Month: September 2012

Are you depressed? It doesnt matter how well things are going for you you can still be depressed…

I have struggled with depression in the past. When I was twenty-one I suffered a pretty intense breakdown and wound up on medication for both depression and anxiety. I was on it for a few years actually, but my doctor figured I was doing so good I could be taken off of it.

So yeah, there’s a distinct possibility of it. 

askirlsnowman:

((…yeah I don’t think I’m ever going to actually do anything with this blog again. Sorry guys, I know you wanted some hot Sn0wman action, but it’s been three months with eight posts. I got no enthusiasm.))

Just so ya’ll are aware.

I’m probably going to delete the blog.

I hate seeing posts like these. They’re always triggery and always lead to me feeling like shit and I hate seeing them but fuck it I am crying and my dad just walked past me without noticing so I don’t even give a flying shit anymore.

I’m (almost) 27. I’m pretty. I’m told I have all sorts of things going for me, and hey you’re already guaranteed for a raise in January and in seven months time this really cute guy’s lease is up and last night he was all gung-ho for moving in with you even though neither of you have actually seen each other, let alone spoken (his cousin and my mom are friends), and you have talents and skills that are amazing, and you’ve been cosplaying for 17 years holy shit that’s amazeballs and and and

and none of it really fucking means anything to me. 

I am totally and completely 100% superfluous. What does it matter that I can build props in a hotel room or set up a website for someone, or manage a forum when there are people that are better at it in my immediate circle of friends? Every single last damn thing that I do someone else can do it, can do it better than me, and oh hey they are also someone I know! Gee, that makes me feel great.

It makes me feel wonderful.

I’m so wonderful I’m fucking crying.

And I feel like I shouldn’t, because what the fuck, I have all the things going for me. I have a good fucking life. I have a family that loves me. I have a dad that will scour newspapers to find me auditions, a mother who will hold my hand and go out with me when I’m terrified to leave the house, and a brother who will break every traffic law imaginable just to get to my side and hug me. 

I don’t cut, I don’t self harm, I don’t do any of these things because I have people who love me and I can’t do that to them. I’m dying inside but I can’t make things harder for them because I love them too much. 

As much as I contemplate suicide, I can’t kill myself because it would hurt them and I’d never be able to forgive myself for that, but I can’t tell them anything because of the same reasons, and it’s a never ending cycle and I just keep coming up with new shit to tell people when they find me crying because I can’t just say “I’m a useless fuck with everything going for her”. You’re not supposed to be suicidal because everything is going right.

There is something wrong with me.

And I can’t talk about it because every time I try to I think about all the people who have it worse than me. I think about the people who get bullied. I think about the people with body issues. I think about the people who are facing discrimination because of their skin color, their sexuality, their gender identification, their physical disabilities, the hundreds of thousands of things that people struggle with—

and what am I compared to that?

I know my gender and sexuality, I’m white so I don’t even fucking understand racism, thanks tumblr for teaching me that, I’m physically able, I’m a woman of means, I have a loving family, I want for nothing—

so who the fuck am I to complain? Who is going to listen to me when there’s all this shit going down in the world that is so much worse than whatever stupid thought is in my head this time and why am I such a needy little fuck—

why can’t I stop crying